I'm damn affected

I don't know why, but I'm really affected from the moment you choose to stop replying me.

When I was having my running, when I was damn shag, the first person that came to my mind was you, and I know I'm really in deepshit.

I miss you, but I can't do anything.
You're extremely special to me and I can't do anything as well.

I guess I have to keep forcing myself.

I kinda miss you

I kinda miss you.

but.

If only you still willing to give me a chance, I would really consider,

but.

I know it is impossible.


I can see you can't wait to see me move on to the next phase of my life.

I find it hard,
because you are still someone extremely special to me.

I do find myself fuckedup.
   I really do but there is nothing I can do.
      My heart chose to feel that way, my heart choose that way.

At times, I am really lost.

I really do miss you very much at times. but, I got to face the reality.

Maybe this special feeling and misses will stay with me for life.

Jane, do you know I still think of you often...
          but I know this is unfair.
                 really;
                            there is nothing I can control. This is the feeling deep within me. :(

Somehow

Somehow,

I feel that we have talked more,
you seem to have opened up more and talk more stuffs with me.

Or is it because I am totally at a different phase of life that is why I feel that it is different.


6 years of being in each other life, is really not an easy thing esp when we talk to each other almost every single day, greeting each other good morning and good night.

I tried to not talk to you, but I am not able to.

Trust

I think I really have some trust issues.

Sometimes I really doubt things and find myself really hard to break out of the zone cos I am really afraid to get hurt once more.

I just can't take the pain anymore.

Farewell

I guess I have managed to accept a new life for myself.

Although I cannot find back the exact same feeling that I once had, but at least I know now there is someone that cares for me. It has been long since I did so many things for someone! Delivering different pastries at your door step quietly and I sincerely hope that you will be able to pass your upcoming paper!


Jane has taught me a lot, she has taught me how to love someone wholeheartedly. I have already accepted the fact that we can never be together anymore and I have to move on.


I know I can no longer find back the same feeling, but Jane will forever have a special spot for the rest of my life and I will literally bring it to my grave with me. You are always the special one in me, the memories, the special feeling I have, till date, I have no forgotten the feelings and memories we once shared. Sigh, the past will always be the past.

It is time to build something new. If I don't ever have the courage to accept something new, there is no way I can have the next phase of my life. I really don't know what the future may hold, but I need to find the courage and believe that things will/may work out.

This area shall always be our special memories. I have spent almost 4 years of my life typing all my emotions and feelings throughout this period at here.

Whenever I am writing, it is the moment that I misses you and our special memories.

Farewell my special memories. I promise you. I will revisit you from time to time. 

Life

In life, one is bound to encounter an irreplaceable relationship
&
lose someone who is irreplaceable.

We must learn to start anew and forget the past because life has to go on.

I feel so fucked up

Sigh, I really feel so fucked up. I can be out with her but at times I am thinking and missing jane at the same time :(

Really, is it really that hard to force myself out from it.

I really find myself unable to commit and maybe because I am still seeking for the same sort of comfortable feeling that I used to have...

Or maybe I have grown older, how I feel things are no longer the same.

Aiya, I really don't know, but I know that I have to move ahead but at the same time, I don't want to lose jane and stop talking to her.

Sigh

Forcing myself to divert the attention

I know it's not right, I know it's not fair but there is nothing I can do about it. Really. If I were to continue being dumb, (knowing that nothing will change) I would have given up really a lot of opportunities.

A girl that is willing to go airport twice, speaks a lot I guess. Unless I really think too much, which I doubt it will be the case...

You listened to me attentively when I talk to you about my stress in work. Although you know little about the things that I do at work, but you still listen and care about what I do and just a simple confident pat from you makes me feel much better.

I totally understand that everything has changed, you will no longer be mine anymore, and I should have known it and kept moving forward. I understand that there is nothing I can do to make you fall for me again. I need to give myself one more chance, and from today onwards, I will TRY MY BEST not to reminisce the most beautiful and sweetest memories that you had given me. Those are really special memories to me. Really really special, and I bet for the rest of my life, I will not forget them... Neither will I forget you, but I know I have to move on.

We no longer share the same dreams and aim in life anymore. Since almost 4 years ago, you had left me, abandoned, me. Yes, just one email, and I am out from your life. A real painful kick, and yes, over 2 years of memories just erased.

I am scared now, I am scared of being abandoned once more after putting in my heart and soul for everything. I don't wish to go through the same torment anymore. It is really very very painful for me. Every night, I had to cry to sleep. Just the thought about all I have been through, I am afraid.

I AM REALLY AFRAID. But I think it will be good if I let her know about my past probably. About a special memories I had and will never forget... Well, but that's the risk, but if she can accept it, maybe it's a good start then..


Halloween yesterday. Haunted house not scary leh... hahahaha, but its the companionship. hahaha. Trying to build more new memories and get rid of the fear within me... USS used to be our exclusive memories, but.. well. When I was taking mummy, I kept thinking about how I used to force you and that was really the dumbest thing I have did in my life. Making you unhappy is the most selfish act ever. Well... I learnt, and yesterday when she said she didn't want to take battlestar, I did not force her...

I really don't know, but what if the current on abandoned me again. This fear within me... Sigh.

That feel...

Super busy recently, like uber busy! Lots of friends that I want to meet up with but I do not have the luxury of time to meet as well. Maybe cos I'm so used to just go home after work and not meet anyone and too tired to meet anyone actually.. hahahahhaa.

UK was an eye opener to me. It is really stress when you know every single sentence that I speak represent that entire Asia region, and it is pretty stressful and I have to really think before speaking. I cannot be so childish and speak without thinking.

Come to think about it, in the past, I just kept telling you that this is the last time I want to talk to you and I really think it was very childish of me doing it! I mean, why would I speak something that isn't even what I want... Okay, very random..

But being at a far far away land from my country, it is really different. Being alone, being there for business purposes, is just different.

I really felt blessed when you started preparing things for my UK trip. Reminding me stuffs and all, getting vaseline for me when you know my lips is dry. Getting aloe cream for my dry skin cos of the weather there. First time in my life, a girl fetched me in airport as well. Waited or me despite my flight was delayed till very late.

The feeling is just.... I really don't know. The issue is that I know I can't do anything yet for now... Because I still... Sigh.. :(

I really can sense it, all the little things that you did for me.

I need the leap.. I really need.

I need to take a step at a time and see how things progress again...

Off to UK!

Off to UK!

Really an experience for me, really glad that my boss who is willing to really let me go over alone to represent entire Asia for this. It is really an experience as I get to spearhead even more things going forward and understanding the role in a region even better.

My only worry in me will be the racism issues. Hope that all will be good, and hope my respect will not be lost after the UK trip.

Vaseline and some other dry skin product checked!
Suit and coat checked!
Shirt and pants checked!
Tie checked!
135GBP checked! 300sgd for 135 gbp -.-
Laptop checked!
Pens and papers checked!

Almost all prepared! I am ready for my first ever trip! 4 full months in this company and I am off! Pretty excited, but the thought of 13.5 hours flight just makes me feel so meh.

Hope all is good at UK for myself!

__________________________________________________

It somehow feels.... been long since I had this feeling - someone giving me opinions on what I should wear, what I should buy, choosing what is better for me. When you prepared vaseline and other dry skin products for me, I was pretty.. touched. 

This time round it just feels either do or die. Is either I force myself out, and see if more feelings could be developed, or I remain status quo.. Hoping for the impossible. 

I really really don't know. because even until today, you still give me the kind of feeling that I know I am truly happy. 

but on the other hand, I know the fact that everything is impossible. Maybe I should really force myself... 

6 years. Really tough. 

Sigh... 

Maybe just take a step at a time and see how things develop. 

Couldn't make a decision

It's hard. Really hard. More than 6 years of emotions.

I still think about you every single day without fail.

I know that I still love you but I know this is not the way to continue.

Sometimes, somethings will never have any answers to it.

Happy weekends spent!

Been a long time since I went on a date. I will be really silly of me if I were to continuing shutting down opportunities slammed into my face. For almost 4 years, I have been turning down all sort of opportunities that came across my path.

Well.. No butterflies, no connections. Sigh. I just got a feeling this will not work out.

I took me really a long time before deciding on this particular date. Many things came to my mind and I have to make a decision for myself. I believe that you have been to dates before or maybe I won't even know if you already have a constant date right now and may even get attached anytime and settle down soon.

I know you will not give me any opportunities anymore, and I know deep down in your heart, I don't have much of your respect.

You still play a really special memory in my life. Of course if I ever have the chance, I hope we can try things out again, but I know I have to face the reality.

2nd time to USS. The reason why I always do not want to go USS is because we spent our first anniversary there and it serves a special memories for me. More than 5 years ago... The memories are still fresh in me.

Yes, we argued badly that day, we lost our way and I went around to look for you frantically. We deposit our phone in the locker and the park is huge. My favourite is still Far Far Away. The roller coaster that you love. We sat a numerous times as you enjoy the ride very much.

Image taken back in 2010.




Just some memories to be reminisced I believe.

Oh yes, the cup I broke it, is the one that I wanted to buy back, but didn't had the opportunity and I finally brought it today, ONCE MORE. I am happy that they still sell the same cup despite being 5 years apart.

The cup that you have picked for me!

To me, everything serves as a really special memory to me. I may no longer be special to you or have any importance in your heart or memory, but to me, you will always be the special one.

I accepted the fact that there is really nothing I can do to improve anything between us right now.

If you really have no intention in giving me any more opportunity, then I believe I should move on with everything belonging to us to be a special memory in the future, till the day I die.

You will still be the girl I love the most, you will still be my greatest regret in life, and you will always the special one in my heart.



I really love you very much still.


Okay! Back to work!
Crazy week! Just crazy! 5 days with 6 reports to be completed, and I guess my english sentence structuring just sucks to the maximum!! I am thinking if I should even attend course to improve my report writing! Too many report to write and with my current english standard, it will be a joke :(

I need to improve on my writing skills. I really do.

Biz trip to London and everything confirmed. Soon. Nervous and scary since I am the only one going to represent the entire Asia for this. Lots of decision making to be done and lots of responsibilties on my shoulder for this biz trip! Look forward to the trip as I believe it will be a brand new experience for myself! Exposing to more different things, allowing myself to hone my decision making skills as well!

I am really happy to have this career as my stepping stone. I also believe I can make myself to be a better person and create a legacy in the company. A legacy, for the next 3years before I make a change once more.

A good weekends, and the start of brand new week again! Day passes really quick...

Forward looking

Tough, tough. Sometimes some decisions are hard to make.

Unlike the past, making reckless decisions without thinking much. Never mind, I shall see how this coming Saturday turns out..

Everytime I find myself walking out of it, but then..somehow.. I will still U-turn again.

5 days week for the coming week!
6 reports, 6 companies, all big companies.
HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO COMPLETE ALL :O
I guess I am really gonna bring work home and work despite being at home, but then my brain capacity seems to be a limiting factor! Argh, everytime once it reaches 4pm, my brain is totally dead..

That Yiruma ticket... I just feel like buying it and courier it to her!! 4 years back, we are suppose to attend kevin kern concert but thanks to tekong -.- booking in on Saturday..

Sometimes all I want is to really be a very normal friend of yours, where I get to meet you face to face, have really casual talks; just like every other friends. However, even request seems impossible. All I hope is that I will have the opportunity to go out with you, and allow both of us to have a chance to understand each other again...

Well.. Secertly I hope that we still have chances to be together... afterall, we know each other dated 6 years back... This is the first time I had communication with a girl for that long.

But reality... I know I have to continue moving forward despite when I really want deep down in my heart.

Life.

Mentally Tired!

Super super tired! Mentally tired, but this time round I am not emotionally tired, but really tired from all the work that is overwhelming me!


7 more companies to be researched on over the next 10days! -.- that makes an average of 1 research per day inclusive of writing the report!! This would probably means... OTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT! I think I will just bring my work home. Since there is no difference working in the office or from home.

Prepare to fight warrr! hahahaha.

Short week next week! 4 days week, then back to 5 days week and then back to...3 days week! Wooo! 12 more working days to pay day... not bad..


I really need to do something to step out of my comfort zone, but really... I am too comfortable in where I am in life right now... Argh..


Somehow, recently, I no longer feel stress talking to you anymore.. I hope this continues.. Sometimes, I think it is the stress that causes me not able to understand what you are trying to say =.= okay, or maybe im finding excuses for myself again, as usual...


For a better week!

Taking a step at a time.

In out, in out, in out and more ins and more outs.

For almost 4 years, I am still lingering around your life and I had never left you. I tried to, but I failed. I know very clearly that nothing will ever happen to us and yet I am still hanging around. THis is never ending.

There is no opportunity at all for myself.

Somehow I do feel that I am slowly moving out of it, but always, at a certain point, I will just not allow myself to be out of it, I have no idea why, but I am just not willing to be out of it.

Sometimes, it is really hard to be out of it unless I really have no feelings at all, which is not possible at all. Like I always said, you have the biggest impact in my life and you have already left a hole in my heart, and it has been empty since don't know how many trillion years ago.

I need to be really brave, to dive out of this, instead of taking it step by step.

I have to...

Who am I to you

Sometimes, I just got to accept the fact that you will only be in my heart, my memories, and not in my life.

Someone told me, that the fact you have lost every respect towards me, somehow I find it quite true. You no longer look at me the way you used to see me; all you see in me are my flaws.

Sometimes I guess I just have to accept the fact that you are no longer part of my life. I guess, it is really time..

I am feeling the pain, even when I typed all these. :(

But if I don't take the step out, who knows even 5 years later or 8 years later, or even the day you get attached, married and even have kids, I am still waiting for you? That would be extremely dumb of me isn't it.


Honestly, I wish to know my importance in your heart, and where I stand. & Who am I really to you. Because to me, you're someone extremely special in my heart. You are a part of me. Just who am I to you.

I am still closing my doors

It is never easy to make such decisions. It is never easy because even till date, no one is able to replace you in my heart. 

Part of me

Long weekends is coming to an end! Say hello to 4 days week! hahahaha, damn after this, everyday is a chore again.

More challenges to face. Still a long journey ahead! These few days I have more than enough time to face my inner thoughts. Sorted out my thoughts and I am ready once more.


You have always been part of me. Just like any part of my body, losing any pieces of it will leave me decapacitated. I will never be the same if I were to lose a limb of mine.

Of course, after awhile, my lifestyle will change and my life goes on, but I will never be the same anymore. There is still something missing from me and it will never change.

You're a part of me and it will never change.

Golden Jubilee Singapore!

It is Singapore 50th birthday!

Just with one generation of Singapore, we have transformed a 3rd world nation into the one and only developed nation in South East Asia.

I am proud to be a Singaporean and will always be a Singaporean no matter what!

__________

The only special ticket in my entire box. It is the effort you took.
The smile we used to share with one another :)

A long weekend coming to an end! Coughing my lungs out of this entire weekends. Argh. Bad week last week to even fall sick and even took MC on Tuesday! Just hope that my cough will recover soon...


National day period has always been close to my heart for 2 reasons!

1. It is National Day!
2. 123456789. It would have been a 6 years anniversary.


We have known each other for... quite some time. You are still close to my heart. To you, I am probably just a guy that happen to be in your life and the feeling has long ago been faded off probably even during 2011.

Past few days, I had several flashbacks we have been through.

Watching fireworks together, when we were still not officially together. It still remains so clear to me. Back then, I totally had no idea that there will be fireworks.

All the aimless dates we had. We never really had a date with a proper itinerary to be honest. We have not been to zoo, or anything outdoor back then.. You were pretty reluctant to have outdoor activities.

These few days, I could even feel the butterflies I used to experience when I was still wooing you. When I first "rested" my hand over yours yet I don't have the courage to even hold onto your hand. It was after that, where I remember clearly that I held your hand firmly on the train while traveling towards your french class at Newton. Those days.

I know what you hated about me.

My assumptions, how judgy I am, how I assume things the way I THINK they are. I still judge, I still assume, but I tend to prevent myself from doing it on a regular basis. Whenever I see how people assume whatever I am saying now, just irritates me. I can imagine how often I irritate you in the past.

You also dislike how I know that I am in the wrong, yet I still find all sort of excuses to get myself out of it and not admitting it.

I know my major flaws, more than 3 years have past by and yet I have yet to correct them fully.

I know that you have been doing everything for my own good, I hope so. 

I have never stopped caring for you. I had always been wanting to be there for you no matter what issues you have faced in life. Sometimes I just hope that you will give me the chance once more to be there for you, giving me the chance to take care of you or be there whenever you needed me.

I think I need to have more actions. I know it is tough, but I will try even harder to woo you back Jane. I will not give up and I will continue to fight hard to win your heart once more. I want to win your heart again. I will not give up Jane. :)

I love you, someone who has never left you.

FMLLLLLLLL

zzzz damn bad fever I have. With 3 days of OT. everyday working for at least 16hours. Busy until I have not enough time for water, food and sleep! This is crazy! What's worst is, I spent the 16hours at least most of the time being super unproductive. Totally don't agree the way you settle things but well..... there is nothing I can do about it too!

I simply just hate things to be so unproductive. Firstly, unproductive, secondly your way of communication is not even clear. Oh yes, and I fucking hate it when people tell me to do things and the fact that what I've done is not of any use. Like seriously? Then what is the purpose of you asking me to do it and wasting my time?

More shit that will be happening tomorrow. Fucked up, seriously fucked up. At the end of the day, I know I can only keep quiet... and I know there is nothing I can do but just to vent everything out.


I am still feeling extremely tired, I am still feeling extremely exhausted. This few days my brain is really just so tired.

This weekend feels so short for me. Just hope that the next week of short working week will be good for myself!